Broken Dreams
by indie-koala-girl
Summary: Reid struggles to deal with the after affects of his kidnap. His life has been turned upside down, he feels like a burden to the team but hes not sure he can hold on any-more, its just become so difficult. Warning: some scenes may be triggereing
1. Chapter 1

This is my first attempt at writing anything like this, please feel free to put forward any comments. I wrote this because its, in some way its very close to home. I'd love to hear any thoughts. Some of this may be triggering, mentions Self Harm, Suicide, Drug use. Disclaimer- I do not own criminal minds

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Reid sat on the edge of the bath, he had hoped that they would have noticed by now. He knew that he had been secretive but surly they had. I mean he never meant to hurt them but he knew he couldn't hold on for much took one last look at his cell to see if there were any missed calls or messages, perhaps he thought they could get him through the night. But nothing, the blood ringing in his ear, it had never been this bad. Up until now he was always able to control the pain, to fight the urge. He knew the signs, he knew all of it but refused to display them to the rest of the team. Figuring that they would see him again as the baby, the one that could never take care of himself the weak one. Although they could help he already felt like a burden. A weight which non of them deserved to carry. After Henkel nothing had been the same, sometimes he still craved that feeling of weightlessness although after Gideon he had promised to the father like figure, he would never touch the drug again. But that wasn't what was itching at him now.

He slid down onto the cold tiled floor with his back upright against the bathtub. The cold shot through his small frame, sitting in just a small pair of briefs he wondered for that moment what he was really fighting for. Was it his team the 'family' that had allowed him to feel like he belonged. But he knew deep down that he never really belonged anywhere, his whole life he spent trying to figure out why he was so different. Looking at his pale white skin Reid slid his fingers gently along the ridges cut into his body. They had taken over him, dancing across his thighs, arms and body. Each one had its own tale of woe, each their own pain and none of them the same. They were the dark pink blemishes he had become to rely on so much. But this wasn't a fantasy tale where it was all okay in the end, he knew in his head with each one had become a building block one that had allowed him to be strong enough to cut deeper and deeper.

He took the razor that had become his life from within the first aid box that lay next to the sink. He wasn't stupid, he knew they would find out and part of him prayed it would be soon, that they would come to his rescue. But the other told him that they never loved him, that they wanted him to be gone that he wasn't worth there time. He held the blade on his left hand, watching the shine as he twisted it slowly in the light. His reflection barely visible in the steel mirror. The tension in his chest grew, the anticipation for that moment when he had control over his life, the blood could prove he was real, that he did exists. Taking the blade and placed it on the inside of his right arm, pressing slowly as he felt the razor pierce his skin, and the rise of the small droplet of blood trickle down his arm, the sight alone made him feel alive but he knew he wanted more. Slowly he drew the blade across the pale parchment of his skin. Without written words but held the meaning all the same.

Reid bit his lip and twisted his head back onto the side of the bath as the cold sting rang through his body like ecstasy. The red of his blood dripping slowly to the white forgiving floor. The razor still in his hand, gazing down at the new addition to his painful story. The cuts ranged in age, some still fresh others scabs and some fading memories. The veins in his thin arm prominent, he was smart enough to avoid them, he knew he didn't want die but in part he wanted the pain to end and more recently he had though about it. It wasn't healthy but then neither was sitting on the bathroom floor bleeding yourself until you felt okay again. He had given up the notion that it would be his last time because he knew that was a childish lie and this was the only thing keeping him together. He could do his job, and he knew that the team valued him because he was great at what he did, but in his mind he honestly felt like he let them down a lot.

He took it once again but this time to his other arm, the same tight feeling in his chest as he drew it across his broken body. Carved with pain he dropped the razor to the ground and lay there his arms outwards as he relaxed for that moment of freedom. He knew they were flesh wounds, they weren't serious enough to require medical attention so he sat with his back against the bath until the endorphins wore off and he became sleepy.


	2. Chapter 2

Morgan watched as Reid finished his paper work for the day, he had worked slower that usual but everything about the kid had been for the last few weeks, but he couldn't quite place why. They had been working some hard and gruesome cases but Reid was never this hung up about them.

He watched as Reid slip his folder into his Satchel and headed up out of the bullpen to Hotch's office. He walked quickly but his whole profile had changed, he head was slung low and he held the other folders in a vice like grip to his chest. To Morgan this was new, he'd never seen Reid so inverted and hidden. He watched as he knocked quietly on Hotch's door entered and quickly shut it behind him. He looked round observing the rest of the team but they were so caught up in their own paper work they didn't even notice.

Morgan broke the silence of flicking papers with a low cough.

'Urm guys, does Reid seem a little off to you's' he said as he glared back towards Hotch's door.

Emily looked up as she chewed the end of her pen. 'Actually I asked him if he wanted to come to the theatre the other day and he just blew me off with some lame excuse about needing to get more work done, and we all know it takes him half the time it takes us' she said as her brows furrowed.

'Yeah' said JJ 'I was talking to him about babysitting for Henry and he just kinda stared off into the distance, it took me three times to even get him to focus, I mean I know he's got a lot with his mom just now, but thinking about he has been acting weird' at that note she too looked towards Hotch's door.

Well, the cases we've been on have been hard for the kid. You know they're a lot like Henkel. But I didn't think he was bothered too much by that anymore, and he hasn't said anything.' Rossi said closing the file on his desk.

On that note Hotch's door opened and Reid headed for the elevator.

'Hey Reid, man' Morgan said as he stood up trying to get some eye contact from the kid.

Reid just kept walking as though he had heard nothing. 'Reid' Morgan tried again.

Taking a slow jog towards him, Reid stood still waiting for Morgan to approach. Fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt. 'Hey, me and the rest of the team were wondering if you want to come out with us tonight to grab a Chinese' he said as he stood in front of him reading every bit of movement Reid made.

Reid hung his head still low and looked at the floor, ' thanks, but I'm just going to go home and get some stuff done you know, but hey maybe another time.' He said as he quickly shuffled past Morgan holding with both hands the strap of his bag. Morgan watched as he got into the lift and waited for the doors to close.

Morgan turned, his hands on his hips. Addressing the rest of the team 'What is up with him'. Morgan looked confused. The team looked at him and all just shook their heads.

'Maybe he's tired' JJ said trying to reassure herself, she wasn't a profiler but she was Reid's friend and she could tell something was off.

'Nah, this is something more than tired. I've never seen him like this.' He took a slow glance at his feet. And thought maybe Hotch will know.

He walked over to Hotch's door and knocked. Walking in he stood waiting for him to finish writing.

As he finished he placed his pen next to his file and clasped his hands 'What is it Morgan?' Hotch said gesturing to the empty seat. 'Please' he said in that collected tone he always had during work hours.

Morgan sat and chewed his words before he made his point. 'Hotch' he began 'Don't you think there's something a little off with Reid, I mean come on man, the kid can barely look up' Hotch waited until he was finished and took a slow breath in leaning back in his chair.

'I know, but I don't know what we can do if he doesn't tell us what the problem is, he requested three days off when he was in here earlier but without telling me why I couldn't push that through. Morgan, you and I both know what he has been through, my main worry is that he's started using again. I will say he has been acting strange the last few weeks, he goes home early, he won't go to any social events. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I think it's time to ask him directly what is happening.' He took a slow sigh and placed his head in his hand as though in deep thought.

Then suddenly he looked up, 'The only thing I can think of is someone going round to his apartment to see how he is.'

Morgan shuffled to the edge of his seat, 'Who do you think should go?'

'Well I know one thing if Gideon was here he would be the best one for the job' Hotch closed the file and put it in the pile on the side of his desk.

'I think the only one's he will speak to is JJ and yourself' returning his gaze to Morgan.

'You think I should head round after work?' Morgan stood up, 'I'm saying this need to be sorted out, and I think that it needs to be addressed soon.' Hotch too stood straightening his suit. He took his briefcase walked round his desk as they both headed for the door. Locking it behind him.

At that moment they all looked up from the bullpen. 'JJ.' Hotch called. 'I want you and Morgan to go round to Reid's tonight and see if you can get him to talk to you, don't push too hard but let him know that he needs to turn to us if something is wrong.' 'And the rest of you I will see in the morning, have a good night everyone' on that not he took his leave and walked to the elevator routing for his keys in his pocket.


	3. Chapter 3

Reid just sat, staring at the blood on the floor. He finally decided to get up and clean up the mess he made the same mess he made every night. It was tiering but he knew it was the only way he could cope. He stood I front of the bathroom mirror and just looked at himself. He couldn't recognise himself in the broken shell that he saw staring back. The pain he could see in his eyes, they had become so distant and hollow. The hazy dreams he had of his perfect world, they were for nothing he knew he could never be happy again he knew it was all to late. He ran the water into the sink, this time he made it hotter than usual. Maybe it was to punish himself, he knew that he deserved it, everything he did was messed up, he touched and it broke. It had always been the case and the team if they ever found out would hate him for the monster he was.

He had tried to speak up, to say he needed them but the monster inside silenced him, he was a distant broken man. And he knew he just kept hurting them, was it better that he die, that way he could only hurt them one last time, that way they would only hurt one last time.

He slowly lowered his arms into the water, the sting of the heat on his skin alone made his toes curl. But what hurt much more was the heat on the cuts, he watched as the water danced and played with the blood. Creating little swirls as it washed the blood from his arms. He took his arms out and placed his white towels soon stained by the blood on his arms. He applied a little pressure because he knew that it would help to clot. He wasn't sure what was going through his mind but he didn't bother to bandage them. He just walked solemnly from the bathroom where he left the blood stained floor and towels, the razor still on the floor and the sink still tainted by his blood. He just felt so numb.

He was right, and he hadn't noticed how bad it really was until tonight. Nothing could help him, he was a man lost over board in a sea larger than the universe. He was tired of trying, but he knew one way to stop the voice in his head telling him that he was useless and weak. He knew only one way to get his freedom back, one way to feel at peace.

He sat on the couch surrounded by all these books and realised none of them made any sense, none of them could help. They didn't understand, nobody did. This wasn't how he usually felt, something had changed almost like he had dropped a level further down into that pit he couldn't get out of. He knew... He knew deep down that this was it. But he wasn't ready, this want fair. Tears filled his eyes as he sat there sobbing quietly to himself, he took out his pens and wrote a letter to the team, telling them why he wasn't there anymore, why he cried all the time. It hadn't taken very long and he sealed it with one lick of the envelope and addressed it to his 'Family'.

He walked back through to the kitchen and placed the letter on the work surface. Stroking the edges softly as he slowly staggered back to the bathroom. He ran the water and waited for it to fill, in the time he got a few candles and lit them around the bathtub and sink. He turned off the lights and lowered his small frame into the water he hadn't bothered to take off his briefs. It tingled at first but it was comforting, like a final hug from earth to say everything was going to be okay. He lay there for a few moment contemplating, slowly his mind replayed the happy moments he had enjoyed, the smiles. He could remember them forever when he was gone. For the first time that night he thought, he had seen Hotch earlier that day and requested a few days off, in a way he was glad that Hotch had denied it. That way he was sure they would look for him in the morning when he hadn't shown up for work. Hotch gave him that stare that to everyone else would just look stone like but to him and the team really said 'I know there is something wrong, do you want to talk?' But he had pretended not to see that and handed him the file and left, he knew Hotch wasn't the one to push or pry. Though deep down he wished he had.

He took his cell from the side and made one last message to JJ his best friend and what he thought his sister, he didn't want to make her worry so he simply text 'I'm sorry' then sent it. As the water glistened in the candle light, he took the blade he placed on the side of the bath and held his breath. He knew how hard he needed to press to end it, he also knew that it would take at least 2 litres for him to feel faint, 3 to do serious damage to his body and 4 to kill him, he was scared but in truth he was more scared to live like a ghost, acting like things were fine and shouting at the people trying to help. He wished he could tell them but he was weak and cowardice. They would laugh at him for being so stupid and he would go home and cut because that's all he could do. He took the blade to his wrist this time there was no wanting, he didn't want to feel the release he just wanted the end. He pressed down hard and drew it across his right wrist, it stung but he didn't care he swapped the hands and did the same to the other, he knew almost certainly lighter due to the fact his right arm was already weak. He then dropped the blade over the side of the bath, it wasn't long before his fingers were numb and he could feel everything spinning and getting darker but the thing that scared him most was how hard it had gotten to breathe.


	4. Chapter 4

JJ and Morgan stood outside Reid's apartment, they looked at each other and gave that smile that says 'well here we go'

JJ lifted her hand and gave her usual delicate knock, 'Spence' she said 'Spence, it's me JJ, can I come in.' She couldn't hear any sign of him.

'He's gotta be in there, I mean the kids got no where else to be' he said waiting impatiently for the door to open.

'Reid come on man open up' Morgan hammered on the door.

'Is that really the approach Hotch was talking about' JJ said as she took out her cell, realising she had a new message. 'Its from Reid'

'What does it say?' Morgan quizzed, 'Has he gone out?'

JJ was taken aback as she read it her face screwed up in confusion and worry 'it just says I'm sorry, what does that mean? What is he sorry for, what has he done?'

Morgan pounded on the door 'Reid, come on kid we know your in there. You're starting to scare us.' He took out his cell and rang his Reid's, on the other side of the door they could hear it ring but no one answered.

JJ in panic rummaged through her bag for the spare key, 'This isn't right, maybe he's using again, Morgan we got to get in there.' She found the key and shoved it in the lock twisting and letting herself and Morgan in. 'Reid?... Reid? It's me and Morgan we just come to see how you are.'

Morgan went through to the living room, 'he's not in here but his bag is' JJ went through to the kitchen and turned the lights on, she placed her bag on the counter and picked up the letter. 'Morgan!' She called through. He walked in and stood next to her 'what is it?' I think it's for us. She tore open the top and the skimmed through the small letter.

_Dear family _

_I know this will come as a shock to you but please don't mourn for me. I just couldn't take the pain anymore, I tried so hard to tell you but I just couldn't find the words. But I guess that isn't your fault but mine. I know that I have become a disappointment and a burden to the team but you won't have to worry anymore, you can get a better person than me. I guess it was inevitable in the end, what I am, the monster I have become I couldn't fix it and nothing felt real anymore. It was just to hard to do this everyday. If you read this before I am found please don't go into the bathroom, I don't want you to see this. But the mess I had created couldn't be fixed. I chose to leave you, I just didn't want to hurt you guys anymore. So I just wanted to take this chance to say thank you and I love all of you._

_Yours SR_

She dropped the letter and ran for the bathroom, the door was locked but she could hear water dripping. She hammered on the door, tears flooding down her face, 'Spence! Please you don't have to do this, just let us in... Spencer'

Morgan was at her side in a heart beat 'Reid, kid come on man open the door we just want to help' he could feel himself getting more and more tearful. He gestured to JJ to back up and smashed his huge frame into the door. It opened instantly.

He stood in the door shocked at what he had discovered, he knew it was bad but he didn't know the kid felt bad enough to try and commit suicide. JJ rushed over the bath and began to drag him out, loud screams and shrills were coming from her. 'Spencer, Spencer! Wake up come on stay with me' Morgan still stood in the door with complete shock. He had seen plenty of crime scenes but nothing like this, it was worse when he thought about all the blood on the floor and towels. 'Morgan! Call an ambulance!' JJ shouted in between sobs.

By this point she had him on the floor in her lap she held his writs as tight as she could, Morgan after ringing the ambulance came over to them both taking the towels and ripping them apart 'JJ move your hands' he tied the ripped towels around his wrists at tight as he could. He swiftly checked for his pulse. 'Is he alive?... Derek!' He look up with an almost gosht like expression 'I've got a pulse but its weak' JJ rocked him back and forth 'come on Spence stay with us, I've got you now, it's going to be fine.' 'Where is that God Damn ambulance!' Morgan stood up, blood on his shirt as he heard the EMT's arrive 'JJ they are here, JJ you gotta let him go!' She sat there in shock on the floor covered in Reid's blood.

'Ma'am are you okay?... Do require medical attention?' JJ just shook her head as Morgan pulled her up and took her into his arms. He flipped out the cell and speed dialled Hotch.

'Morgan?, did you sort things out with Reid?' Hotch said quietly.

'Hotch... Urm... I mean urm' he took a deep breath ad he watched the EMT's stabilise Reid 'We're at his apartment now, Hotch, we found him in the bath, he's tried to commit suicide' ... 'He wrote us a letter Hotch'... 'He's been this way for a while, he's got scars all over his body and there are ageing and fresher cuts' at that note JJ sobbed louder into his chest. Out of all people how did she miss this.

'Morgan ill meet you at the hospital and ill ring the rest of the team and get them in too!'

On that note Morgan flipped his cell shut and embraced JJ's hug.

'Ma'am, Sir do you want to ride with him in the ambulance?' Morgan gestured towards JJ, she nodded and they made there way to the ambulance. Morgan followed sirens howling down the streets in the black SUV.


	5. Chapter 5

JJ sat patiently, she had phoned Will and asked him to come to the hospital. It was him that she needed now. She sat on the plastic chairs and flipped her cell open she red the message from Reid over and over again. Sobbing into her hands and trying to think of a time when she last saw him happy. He not been talkative much but she never thought it was this bad, why hadn't he come to her they were like sister and brother and shared everything, he was Henry's Godfather for cry out loud. She could help but think she had missed the signs.

Morgan quietly stood against the wall his eyes blood shot and the letter Reid had written in his hands. He had grabbed it on the way out, to see if there was something there that made any sense to him at all but every time he read it he just felt more like he let Reid down. He should have insisted on them talking not just profile him.

The emergency room doers swung open and for a moment the two's hearts sank at the thought Reid hadn't made it. But to their avail Hotch strode through in his less formal clothes, sweat pants and a polo shirt. 'Morgan, JJ... What happened?' He didn't look like his usual composed self, his face was worried and gaunt. But he had kept himself from crying.

'We... We just don't know, we read his letter and then found him in the bath, Hotch the kid slit his writs, come on man how did we miss this!' 'It looked like a crime scene on there'

Hotch crossed his arms and placed one of his hands over his mouth 'What is his condition?'

'They haven't told us yet' JJ spoke for the first time 'They said in the ambulance that they would take him to surgery.'

The doors flung open and they all looked round Rossi appeared, 'Do we know how he is yet?'

Hotch moved forward 'No, David... I don't think he's out of theatre yet but I don't think it will be long' JJ sat back down and Rossi next to her rubbing circles on her back to comfort her.

Will was next to arrive, Spencer was so close to JJ and Will it had broken there hearts, it was clear on Wills face that he had been crying he cuddled JJ and the both sat next to each other.

Will stopped for a moment 'I left Henry with the baby sitter, how is he?' JJ held his hands 'he was stable when the took him into surgery but they said he lost a lot of blood and there is no guarantees'

Morgan sighed, 'By the way that bathroom looked, I'd say the kids lost all hope on himself'

Emily and Garcia burst through the doors, 'how's my superman?' He's still in surgery we haven't seen the nurse yet. Garcia rushed over to Morgan and have him a huge hug, she knew he needed it. Morgan was trying to be strong but failing spectacularly, he broke down in Garcia arms. Garcia being unusually calm held him as he cried. 'Don't cry Angel Face... Reid's gonna be fine you watch. Momma Garcy's here now'

At that point the team silently awaited any news. Emily took root on one of the plastic chairs in the near empty corridor she gazed at Morgan and JJ staring at the sheer amount of blood on their clothing. She hadn't known him for as long as the others but even she had her own strong personal connection to Reid. He had been different lately but she had never given up hope one him, not for a second.

Rossi walked over to Hotch who still stood looking like he was in deep thought. 'Hotch?... Are you okay?' He said patting the side of his arm. He looked up from his thought, 'Dave, how did we miss this? He our friend.' 'Arron, this isn't our fault, he new he could come to us. From his letter, he seems to be suffering from some sort of delusion not uncommon for depression, with everything he's been through it was sooner or later really. Once we get him back to us we will sort this out, just hang in there okay the team needs us more than ever.' Hotch nodded and walked down the hall to get coffee from the machine.

Once again the doors swung open, 'Dr. Spencer Reid?' The nurse enquired.

'Yeah that's us' Hotch said walking back to the team.

The nurse looked surprised 'all of you, okay then'

'Is he okay?' JJ stood up 'please tell me he's okay... I can't bury him, I...I just won't' Will stood next to JJ 'Hunny let the lady talk'

'Okay, he cut quite deep on his right arm, and he has done some damage to the nerves but with time they should get better. His left was successfully stitched up, however he has lost a lot of blood and for a while it was touch and go, he's being moved to the ICU where they will be able to keep a firm eye on him. The doctors however have expressed that any visitors must not stress him out, he is still weak and will need to go for psychological assessment before he leaves but I would say that he should be ready to go in a few days. He is still sleeping but he can take visitors, but don't overwhelm him.

Hotch walks over to the nurse 'Can his assessment be withheld from his record I don't want this to tarnish his record for the FBI?'

The nurse smiles 'It can yes, but I would prefer that out with the hospital he is monitored for a while.' Hotch relaxes 'thank you nurse' 'Would you like to see him now' she gestures towards the frantic blonde.


	6. Chapter 6

JJ pulls the chair next to Reid's bed, it breaks her heart to see him like this knowing that he never should have been there at all.

'Spence' she says rubbing his hand, the bandages around his wrists making her want to be sick, the quiet beeping of his pulse confirm he's alive but she struggles believe it, his face so peaceful. It's the most relaxed she has seen him in weeks. She turns his arm over and sees the cuts and scars, lonely tears roll down her cheeks.

'JJ?' He whispers as he wakes up, 'I can smell you' he says with a smile his eye not yet open. She lets out this faint burst of joy to hear his voice again. 'Why am I still here, am I dead?'

'Spence, your not dead, and don't you ever do this to us again. We love you! And I could live without you. We found you in the bath' ... 'Morgan and I, we came to check on you, you hadn't been yourself. Spence what did you think you would get from this? All of this?.' By the way your body looked you have been hurting for such a long time, we could have helped you Spence. These cuts won't help you feel better, your family will, they don't last and you know I understand that.' 'I told you I cut in college but I told you it wouldn't make much of a difference for long.'

'I know I could talk to you all but I couldn't, I just couldn't get the words out, I couldn't make you see. Everything just got too much and today, it just seemed that the pain would never end, the longer I went on lying the more pain I created for myself, the more I felt myself made sense to me anymore.

JJ sat and took in his words, she kissed his hand and slid her hand down his arm over the cuts and scars. He winced as she did. 'You know you're not alone, and never have to be again. Spence look at me.' He met her red puffy eyes with his. 'I won't ask you not to cut again because that will only make it harder, but I want you to phone me first, see if it helps. I don't want you to think you can speak to me, what would little Henry do without his Uncle Spence'

He smiled as she stood up and kissed his head, 'I'll call, I promise'

Will was next to come in, 'hey there' he said patting him on the shoulder, 'it's good to have you back, I won't talk long but I just wanted you to know, we're here for you' pointing to himself and JJ who stood in the doorway. 'Just, you know call if you need anything, wouldn't be the same without you' with that he turned and left with JJ.

Reid could help but feel like in his attempt to save them from him, he had only failed no made everything worse. How could he even screw that up.

'Hey pretty boy' Morgan walked in and sat where JJ had, 'how's things going kid?'

Reid look at the sheets 'I've been better I guess'

'Hey Reid look at me man, I'm not goin to bite' he said with a smile

It was obvious to Reid that he had been crying 'Morgan I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen I just felt like I let you all down, like I'd become a burden.'

'Reid, I'll let you know when your any of those. And your not. We read the the letter' Reid flinched he realised that was only meant to be read after he was gone. 'You know all that stuff in your letter is bull, I mean come on man. You mean the world to us, all of us. You're not a monster, and I know you feel like this cant be fixed but half the battle is done, we know now, we can help you feel better'

With that he got up and ruffled Reid's hair, turned and left.

Garcia came next while Morgan waited outside for her. 'Hey superman, I know your not feeling well but you know this job is a lot more than than it may seem, I'm here if you need me and if we have to have 100 movie nights to make you better again ill make sure to bring the popcorn.' Reid smiled for the first time in a long time ' there he is, told ya we'd get him back' she smiled. ' she held his arm, 'this may have been your only way on your own, but not with the rest off us, you make me worry like that again and so help me ill kick your butt myself, I know it's hard being low but it's never the end'

She gave him a big hug and kiss and left. Reid almost felt like he mattered again, he knew it would be hard to feel better but he also knew it wasn't impossible. He would never recover from it but he could learn to manage it and hopefully one day control it again.

Emily snook in the room while Reid was in thought. 'Hey Reid, I'm not staying long but I'm glad your okay. Just next time you feel low don't stop yourself from coming to the theatre, you missed a great show' Reid was glad she had change the topic, it's why he love Emily so much, they shared the great joy in nerding out together.

'Thanks Emily, I heard it had really good critics.' He looked at her with a little smile, he knew it didn't look so dark anymore and he was glad they knew.

'Right' she said placing her hands on the bed and getting up 'I bet be off or Sergio is going to have taken all the room in the bed'

As he watched her leave he saw Hotch staring through the glass at him arms folded and talking to Rossi.

'Dave what are we going to do?' He said before they entered. 'Well just let him know we are here for him, and you know we're going to have to talk about him coming back to work.'

Hotch sighed, 'I'm going to his apartment on the way home and I'm going to clean it up before he gets home and take those thing out of his bathroom and bin them.'... 'I can't let him do this again, I made a promise to Gideon that I would look after him.' ... 'And now this' 'I knew something was wrong I should have pushed him' Rossi patted him on the back 'it's not your fault, none of us did anything but we are here now, and it's now that counts'

They both walked into the room and sat in the empty chairs. 'How are you Spencer, you know if you want to you can come stay with me for a while when you get out.' Rossi watched for any sign of doing this again, but all he could profile was sadness. Hotch watched from a distance as they talked. 'Thanks Rossi, I think I'll be okay, but I'm glad to have the offer.' Reid look down, he sounded so solemn. 'Reid' Hotch said as he stepped forwards 'we will need to talk about this but now is not the time, I want you to take as much time as you need, I've called Gideon and he's going to come back and stay with you for a while.' Reid felt like someone had hit him in the stomach he had let Gideon down so much. Hotch could see it in his face 'Reid you know, you did what you could to survive, it's not a great way of coping and I don't think I would use it, but people can't judge you for this. You have had so much to deal with, and this team loves and needs you. You are not alone. And I'm going to go back to your apartment and get rid of you razor, I know there are other ways but I just think it would be best just to get rid of it' he smiled, the first time Reid had seen him out of action mode in a while, but he hadn't been out with the team in such a long time.

Reid look across and thanked them both, it had been the first time in a long time he felt that he could look at them. Rossi look at the cuts and scars on the young mans body, he was so broken so young. He leaned forward and placed his hand on his fore arm, 'we are here if you need us, but we will have to let you rest now it's been a long night.' Reid looked towards the clock 2:47am looked back at the two men and smiled 'Thanks for being there for me, and I'll make sure I talk to you guys if things get this bad again.'

Rossi and Hotch headed for the door closing it behind them, they knew that it wasn't over it would take a long time for the young man to feel okay again but this time they would be there. Hotch nodded towards Rossi as he watched him leave, he then spoke to the nurse 'thank you nurse, we're all done you can continue now' the nurse tapped him on the shoulder with a sympathetic look 'thank you agent Hotchner' he turned to leave, but his night wasn't over as he headed back to Reid's place to clean up the mess.

Reid watched Hotch walk past and the nurse come in she put a sedative in his IV and left. He had a long road but it wasn't over yet, in ways he looked forward to seeing Gideon again but he also knew that he had to fix himself again all over again. He slowly slipped into a sleep that would give him the rest he needed.


End file.
